So this is truly exciting...
Two by one equals...
Ah, Andy -- you could come up here, please?
Ahhh...
Help out Mr. Puckov?
Oh... Andy.
Andy?
Oh, Mr. Puckov.
Oh, I want it.
So bad I can taste it!
Oh, teach me, Mr. P.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Ohhh yeah, yeah yeah.
Oh, Mr. Puckov.
Show me how it's done.
Fill my virgin hole!
Oh.
Ooooo, Mr. Puckov.
You're so raw!
Ma!
Did you eat all my cucumbers again?
Can you knock?!
Well I'm sorry, sweetie.
But every time I go to make a garden salad...
my vegetables vanish.
I ironed your cap and gown for you.
We are so darn proud of you!
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, well... what happened to your gerbil?
Oh, ah, Sparky, he... ran away.
Oh.
It's laundry day, Andy.
I need everything dirty.
Oh.
Ready for graduation, son?
Hey, hun -- there's your cucumber.
Dear Lord!
No, no hun, that's just a...
shrink wrap they put on at the supermarket.
Is that not right?
Yes.
Hey, there's my needle-nosed pliers!
Ahhhhh!
Mommie... Dad.
Now calm down.
Now stop it.
You'll just make yourself sick.
Okay!
Let's just go outside- this is a man's thing, okay?
Could you get out of here, please!
Let's just step out here, and I'll get you some
nitroglycerin, okay?
We'll watch that Lawrence Welk DVD.
AHHH!
Well, I guess that's life with a gay son.
Hmmm.
Woo!
Your graduation speech was awesome, Griff.
I was so proud!
I could always do better.
You're the Valedictorian, goober!
Congrats on your baseball scholarship, dude.
Thanks, man.
Welcome to adulthood, children.
Yay!
So, who's gettin' laid at Muffler's graduation party tonight?
Well, Mr. Puckov said he might drop by,
and I'm technically not his student anymore...
so this could be my big night.
Heads up, here he comes.
Oh, hello, Boys.
Hearty congratulations.
Thanks, Mr. P.
And I just wanted to say,
that I'm really gonna miss your ass...
...your class this year.
And we were just wondering whether or not you're going...
to be coming on any of us tonight 'cause I'm gonna...
be coming and I would really like it if you came, too.
We shall see.
Some schools get an exchange student,
we get an exchange teacher.
Where the heck is Tartaristan anyway?
The Republic of Tartaristan is a Muslim state...
in the former Soviet Union.
I believe the capital is Kazan.
Hey, Daisy!
Forward, forward, good girl!
Have you told her you're quote "bi" unquote yet?
No way!
You know I don't like labels.
Besides, it would break her heart.
So shhhh, here she comes.
- Hey, Daze. - Hi, Nico.
I finished designing your gown for the party.
We are gonna make, like, SUCH a cute couple.
Okay, doll.
Love ya, call ya, drive safe.
News flash, boys.
Looks like I'm finally takin' the plunge.
Do tell.
I've got a date and he is totally my type.
Oh? And how do you define that?
I'm an ASSMAN, son.
Asses aren't all they're cracked up to be.
I personally prefer a prodigious penis.
You outta know, Griff. I remember from 8th grade,
yours is like WOW.
What the FUUUUUCK!
How you doin?!
You boys still talkin' 'bout pussy, steada gettin' it?
Ha, ha, ha.
Might wanna return those shriveled-up skin flutes...
of yours for a refund if you're not gonna fuckin' use 'em.
Hello, I've used mine.
I mean... like for blowjobs-n-stuff.
Wake up, kids -- Fact is, none of ya has done "the big A."
The what?
ANAL, dudes.
You know, sausage-smugglin', fudge-packin'...
the old Hershey highway.
Ewww!
Well, my date's the captain of the St. Mary's football team.
And I think he's a bottom.
All Catholics are bottoms, my friend.
Take it from the Muff-ster.
I expect all of you booty-virgins...
will be coming to my party tonight?
We'll be there.
Mmm-hmm.
Ah, ha-ha...
She is so full of shit.
She probably never even touched a... triangle.
Ewww!
I guess Muffler's right, though.
Scientifically speaking, we're all still virgins.
Guess I don't have to feel like a TOTAL loser, then.
Well, at least the rest of us have SOME experience.
Thanks, Jarod, that feels nice.
Can't we talk about something else please?
Coming-out stories are passé bourgeoisie!
This isn't about coming-out, we're WAY past that.
The topic is anus copulus.
Hi-ya kids.
Hi, Mrs. Hunter.
Garsh darn, that Wal-Mart sure does have a nice photo shop.
If ya ask me, you and Daisy shoulda been voted...
King and Queen of the Prom.
Mom!
Oh!
Don't you think it's about time you came out to her?
Are you kidding me?
She doesn't have a clue.
What about your unique fashion sense?
Your obsession with gay cinema?
Your lip gloss!?
Mom suffers from an acute case of "Paul Lynde Syndrome."
She just thinks I'm "special."
Hey, who's Paul Lynde?
Is he hot?
Oh my goodness.
So, Jarod.
Did you ever like... you know, get to third base... like, finger someone?
Yeah, of course.
So... what's it feel like?
Like warm Quiche Lorraine.
Ohhhh...
Muff-ster!
What the fuck!
How you do-in', man?
Ha-ha-HA!
Ladies.
Anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable...
Hey, thanks for letting us come, Muffler.
Cindy, you brought the twins.
Welcome to my maxi-pad.
Attractive garment.
Nice COCK-tail.
It's a Tijuana Sling.
The new cosmo, Kojak.
How festive.
Now pull the cork outta your ass and maybe...
someone will fuck it.
What the fuuuuck!
Who's he?
He's practically perfect.
Yeah, sure.
But what did he score on the SAT?
So... whaddaya think?
Isn't Tyler hot?
You're the stud, man.
Yes, sir, he puts the ZZZ's in Aberzombie.
What do I care?
He's a PNP power-bottom!
Cool.
What's PNP?
Heck if I know.
Who is that?
Like, that's Muffler's Grandpa!
Ahsooo... he raise-a Dawn after she parent die...
in a Humvee accident.
He looks like the Marlboro Man.
Dude's a fuckin' GILWAD, girl.
What's a GILWAD. Buffi?
G.I.L.W.A.D.
"Grandpa I'd let wine and dine me.
pay for bigger breast implants,
and then fuck them till I cum silicone."
But this-a too many letters, Buffi.
Does not-a add up.
I am a cheerleader, Tiki, not a calculator.
So you're like All-State baseball, right?
I heard you got a full ride at UCLA.
Yeah, whatever.
God, you are so straight-acting.
Mind if I pretend you're actually straight?
Pretend whatever you want.
Holy moley, there he is!
Tonight's the night, I feel it in my bone.
Word on the street is, Mr. P. likes big shooters.
Legend has it that in college he had to have his...
stomach pumped after he serviced the entire golf squad.
Big-time cum whore!
Well I'll give him a ride he'll never forget.
Yeah!
Say I'm Fuckov. What would you do to me?
Yeah, but you look more like Ms. Mann.
Ha ha - yeah, that's funny.
Oooooh. Mr. Puckov - yeah, you're so butch!
Oh yeah... those strap-on plastic balls banging against my ass!
Yeah, oh I'm gonna shoot, oh I'm gonna shoot!
Ooooooohh Mr. Puckov -- I wanna have your BABY!
Oh, ah, I wasn't talking about you, Mr. Puckov.
I was talking about a different Mr. Puckov.
Your... Dad!
Thank you.
So.
You gonna take those off?
Maybe.
Good.
'Cause I want you inside me.
Ah, no.
I'm allergic to latex.
Bareback me, straight-boy.
Ahhhhhhh!
Ah... so much better.
I had it made.
Home free and then he went and blew chunks all over me!
Every dog has his day, J.
Unfortunately, our lives aren't coming-of-age films...
where everyone magically gets laid at the climax.
This isn't American Pie, Mary.
What's a boy gotta do to get some MAN SNATCH?!
Deeper, Billy.
Harder!
I love you, Trena.
What is wrong with this picture?
Everyone's kickin' it, 'cept us.
If the heteros can have pre-marital intercourse,
we homos should, too.
Hey, why don't you and Griff just fuck each other?
Ewww -- no.
We're like brothers!
Besides, we're both exclusive tops.
And regardless, he is so not my type.
Oh yeah?
What's wrong with me?
Yeeeeeeeees!
Plow that PUSSY!
Oh my goodness.
Like, thanks, Dawn. I'll never forget this.
Pleasure's all mine, Suzi.
Dawn's awesome!
Thanks for showing me my G-spot, Dawn.
Anytime, Buffi.
My GOD.
Bye, Tiki.
Dawn make-a Tiki leaky.
Oooh!
Me love you long time.
Once Dawn strikes. they ALL go dyke.
Virgins.
What the fuuuck!
What the fuuuck!?
Muffler.
She lays half the cheerleading squad...
and we can't even cop a hand-job!
We're all gonna go to college... virgins!
Brainstorm, boyz.
We just need to make a pact.
We all get laid before the end of the summer.
As if we haven't been trying already.
We don't know shit about anal.
Maybe we've been taking the wrong approach.
Maybe what we need... is someone to teach us.
Certainly logical.
But... who?
College guys, older dudes, men with experience.
Studs who can break us in and show us how to kick it RIGHT.
I'm beginning to like this idea.
Guys our age are sexually and emotionally immature anyway.
I want a seasoned older gentleman who can fuck...
all night and then discuss the filmography...
of Shelly Winters in the morning.
Perhaps what you want is a daddy.
No way, horsecock!
It's just older men are... HOT!
Our very virginity is at stake here, fellas.
This is it, this summer.
This is our chance to make all our fantasies come true!
YES!
First we each need to define whether we're top or a bottom.
Well, wait... we have to choose?
Well I, for one, am 100% top.
Of course, me too.
Who would want anything up their butthole,
in the first place?
I hope you're writing this down.
But... I could be into a dude, like,
you know... taking control.
Riding me.
I'm putting you down as a "submissive top."
Not that I wouldn't consider something in my back door.
As long as it was small.
Like, a finger.
Submissive top, pinky bottom.
Isn't anyone "bottom curious?"
What are you curious about, Andy?
Ohhh... ahhhh... we were just talkin about...
where do you get your hair done,
cause my mom is looking for a new place?
Oh, thanks.
I highly recommend Wal-Mart's Beauty Salon.
Tell her to ask for Mr. Lance.
He is a genius with a curling iron...
and such a flirt!
See!?
She just doesn't get it.
What about you, Griff?
Still thinkin' you're a top-daddy?
Yes.
But I don't know.
I mean, it's all so theoretical.
That leaves you, Andy.
Well I'm a top -- of course!
"PUSSYBOY IN DENIAL."
Okay, so... we all agree that we're gonna fulfill the pact...
by penetrating a member of the same sex.
What's the deadline?
Muffler's Labor Day Bash makes good sense.
That gives us the entire summer.
All in favor?
Aye.
Motion's carried.
Ready or not, butt love here we COME!
Okay, okay -- a little to the left, honey.
Right there, great.
Now zoom out.
I bet you look so handsome!
Who's my daddy?
- Son, I... - Dad!
Oh, dear Lord!
Can you knock?!
Oh, jeez.
- I was... - I had...
I didn't seen anything.
Okay.
Whatever it was you were doing...
it's completely normal.
What were you doing, anyway?
I was... grooming myself.
Is that a gay thing, son?
I don't know.
Do you shave yourself?
- Well... - No!
You don't have to answer that.
Andy... in light of what happened the other day...
I thought that you deserved an early birthday present.
Thank you.
Well... open her up?
What is it?
It's a butt plug.
The butt plug, Andy, is a device,
generally made of polyurethane,
used to stimulate the anal cavity.
This, of course, is the deluxe model.
and ah... this is the starter model, of course,
with the handy suction base.
Viola.
"Anal Pleasure and Health"?
Oh, Andy.
This book was VERY informative.
In fact, I took the liberty of highlighting some of the...
passages under the chapter "Getting to Know Your Sphincter."
Ewwww.
Oh, Andy, Andy Andy.
Being the receptive partner in a homosexual relationship...
is nothing to be ashamed about.
Okay?
Yeah, thank you.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
In fact, this figure here 7.2 demonstrates the remarkable...
adaptability of the human anus.
Oh My God!
What?
Look...
Yeah!
Okay, Dad - thank you!
That's incredible, isn't it?
What are these?
Oh, those are for your mother.
I sure know here size.
Okay, I thought this went very, very well.
And if you have anything else that you wish to talk about,
you feel free to come knocking on my door,
or call me, or even a text message.
- Okay? - Okay.
Great, it's just been great. And ah, we'll talk.
Sorry.
Come on, Andy!
Come on now.
You got it, you got it.
Oh yeah.
Strike two!
You can do it, Andy.
You must "fuck-us".
Go Andy, run, run!
Strike three, you're out!
Yo.
I'm Beau.
Hey.
Jarod.
So... do you pitch or catch?
I pitch.
How 'bout you?
Pitcher, in the streets.
Catcher in the sheets.
Strike one.
So, what are the chances of us playing some ball sometime?
What are the chances of you whackin' this ball over that fence?
Did you know the male animal can achieve orgasm...
without even stimulating his shaft?
Ah, hello - Did YOU know Muffler is spreading a rumor...
that Mr. Puckov trolls chatrooms under the screen name "Rodzilla."
HOT!
Wish me luck, boys, I just booked a date with baseball boy.
Oh yeah?
What's his name, anyway?
Biff?
Blaine?
BLAND?
Beau!
And why do you keep bustin' on him, like that?
He's like perfect!
Perfectly boring!
YIPPEE!
I got a response, I got a response.
Okay, the internet IS the way to hook up!
He's a little young for me, but...
He loves Liza with a Z, and role playing,
and investment banking.
Ka-ching.
Damn!
That's almost as big as Griff's.
You okay?
I've got a headache.
There's aspirin in my Dad's... medicine cabinet.
Where's the soap?
Score.
Yes!
I'm growing!
It's stuck!
What the...?
Son! What is going on?
Help!
Get it off me!
Okay, don't panic.
We can do this together, okay.
I'm gonna brace, and you brace, and you PULL!
FUCK!
Awwwwwwww!
Okay, I have another idea.
Now, hold on there - and I'm gonna smash this bugger!
Fire in the hole!
FIRE!
Aaaaah!
Aaaaaaahhh!
Aaaaaaaaahhhh!
You know, kids... penis length is nothing to be ashamed about.
Dad.
I frequently measured my own penis when I was your age.
Matter of fact, I still do.
But no matter where I place that ruler,
darned if I can break five inches.
So, Jarod. I know what it's like to feel insecure...
about your manhood.
Well, it all started back in my Navy days...
you know, showering with my fellow seamen.
Oh my God.
Yes, siree... oh boy, we spent a lot of time in the showers.
There was this one sailor...
Zeke McGee was his name, gosh darned if Zeke's "snake"...
didn't hang down past his knees.
And if I close my eyes and think about it...
I can SMELL it, like it was yesterday.
Do you still keep in touch with Big Zeke?
Now that you mention it...
Dad! Thank you for rescuing Jarod.
Now will you please get out of here.
Certainly.
But before I go, I just want to say...
that I really enjoyed our little chat.
Oh my goodness.
Step, step, PUNCH!
Step, step.
Bounce... bounce bounce!
Step, step, PUNCH!
Sweat!
Bounce, bounce.
Step, step, PUNCH!
Down!
Bounce, bounce.
Step, PUNCH!
Arch your backs.
Alright, alright.
Take five, take five, booty break.
My God... she's is such a slavedriver!
I know, my ass has NEVER been tighter.
Yo, yo.
What's wrong, dawg?
I need more maximus in my gluteus.
You lookin' fine to me, Papi.
Whassup?
Angel.
Pleasure to meet you. I'm Griff.
You want a homey to notice your ass?
You gotta work it on OUT.
Yo DJ, pump up the volume!
You know what you got, dawg?
Like what you see, Papi?
Indeed.
I dance at Bodangles.
You want a private lesson...
Holla.
Right on!
Shit!
Maybe this isn't my sport.
You just need few pointers.
Here, stand behind me.
Now feel how I grip my stick.
I could teach you a thing or two.
Mmm-hmmm.
Big time CUM WHORE!
They're all gonna laugh at you!
White party, black party, red party,
geez, it all sounds so sophisticated!
Yeah, I got so high at the last Blue Ball.
that I woke up with a glow stick up my ass.
It was blue.
Ya know, we get you outta those clothes and into the gym,
you'll be ready to party!
My friends call me "K," by the way.
Cool.
Is that short for something?
Yeah, K-hole.
But I'm all past that now.
That's probably for the best.
Yeah, these days it's all about the "G."
I beg your pardon?
GHB, girlfriend!
Whew!
You know what?
I am an expert at dosing right up to the limit.
Whaddaya know, there's a Charles Nelson Reilly...
marathon on the Game Show Network!
Man, I am WICKED horny!
Are you okay?
Oh my God!
One, two, three, four.
It's not working - it's not working.
DO something.
What are you DOING?
Give me some of that. I mean, let me try.
We're not going to lose another one.
His belt's too tight.
He's not breathing, he's not breathing.
Get some air in there!
Oh, good Lord - it's time for defrib.
Lube, lube.
Plan B - LUBE.
Three, two, one - CLEAR!
Muthafucker!
Holy shit, it worked.
Mom?
Dad?
Anyone home?
Hey, little guy.
Son!
It's not what it looks like!
Andy?!
- Ooohh! - Ahhhhh!
Don't overreact. I'm sure there's an explanation.
Oh my GOD!
Mommie, I'm so sorry!
I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the CRUMBS!
This is not good, it's not CLEAN!
Mom?
I didn't hear you.
You didn't come home.
What's going on?
I think...
I like guys.
DUH!
What took you so long?
I was sure you led an "alternative lifestyle"...
the first time you did Madonna.
I mean, cripe, how many three year-olds can say...
they've performed her entire "Blonde Ambition" concert?
Oh, "Strike a pose!"
Remember?
Gotta admit though, I did start to suspect a lot earlier.
Oh, see how you already had that little "swish" in your step?
Oh yeah, you were always Mommie's "special boy".
There you are at your first rock concert.
Carol Channing was on fire that night!
Oh, and that's the time you dressed up like Karen Black...
in Airport '75 when we flew to Florida.
"There's nobody flying the plane!"
Okay, okay! I get it!
Come on, get in!
GET WET!
I'm getting a start on my summer reading.
Hey, cut it out!
No, Jarod!
No!
You know I pinned you yesterday.
No!
Wo-ow.
Look at those.
What?
Oh my God.
I think I'm gonna fuck Beau.
That's excellent.
Yeah.
We've been gettin' really close.
Almost did it the other day, but... I stopped.
How come?
I don't know.
I'm scared, Griff.
What if I'm not ready?
Well, the way I see it... if you really like him,
and you trust him... then I say, go for it.
No one understands me like you do, Griffin.
You're the best.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Totally!
BDSM?
Of course.
Oh yeah!
Um... delicious.
Oh yeah!
What is the emergency?
Griff finally tapped into the security system...
in the locker room.
Straight boy's about to get naked.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
Place your bets, Gentleman.
Ten bucks he's a show-er!
Baby's got BACK!
Dude, turn around.
Deliver the package!
You guys are ill, you know that?
How so?
Look at yourselves, lusting after the straight guy...
you can never have.
Aren't we beyond that?
It's so '90's.
He dropped the soap!
This is so wrong.
We have bush.
Repeat, we have bush.
Oh... my.
Can you zoom in on that?
Yes, indeed.
Our boy's a show-er!
Is he doing what I think he's doing?
He's fingering himself!
He is a show-er AND a grower.
Abercrombie & BITCH!
Where the heck is Andy?!
Andy?
Can I still come in?
Rodzilla?
Oh, what the hell.
So, I take it you have utmost experience?
In "the scene?"
Oh yeah.
I'm an old pro.
Cool hammock.
Right.
I use bicycle horn instead of the safety-words.
Excuse me while I go to slip into something more comFORTable.
Right on!
What are you wearing?
You mentioned water sports... in case we wanted to take a dip.
Marco... polo.
C'mon!
Go back to lick-my-hairy-cherry.com!
Holy shit.
What the fuck?!
There's a website where you can tell the master...
what you want to do to the slave...
Go to rodzillas-interactive-dungeon.org.
We're busy, Muff-ster.
Yeah, sorry to break up your little circle-jerk,
but that's an ORDER!
Hey, put that back!
Oh... my... God.
Rodzilla!
Mr. Puckov!
This is for my Muslim comrades.
Imperialist American SVINE!
Ah, NO!
Your "ugly American" scene is driving me insane.
Have another cheeseburger, capitalist animal!
OUCH!
Oh my goodness.
This is for Kathie Lee.
Kelly Ripa, she sucks!
Oh, go on, type something in!
Teach him a lesson!
Okay, I'm serious, that's enough.
Could we just talk this out?
Look, he hears us!
Ahhhh!
Supersize THIS, mother-fucker!
No. No. No. No. No...
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. YES.
Holy shit!
FIST HIS ASS!
What's with the Cwisco?
This might take the edge off.
Ewwww!
Okay, Mr. Puckov?
You like my table?
My GLASS table?
What's he doing?
This one's out of my jurisdiction, kid.
Am I supposed to do something?
Ooooo, I love how you play so dumb.
Just close your eyes, relax, and enjoy...
Rodzilla loves Belgian chocolate...
You know?
Maybe this sex thing is just not all it's cracked up to be.
Maybe I should just hang it up and become a Priest.
Then you could finally get laid, Sister Mary.
Look, love is a battlefield, kid.
If at first we don't succeed, you just try again.
Yeah, but we're running out of time.
Summer's almost over!
OK, who has a hot prospect for the weekend?
I do!
Okay.
International gay superstar Richard Hatch...
is coming to town to sign his new book.
So, I figured I'd go for it, cause God knows...
no one else around here appreciates me.
Rock on!
What about you, Griff?
Nada.
Maybe the two of us can check Bodangles.
Yeah, sure.
Cool.
Hey kids, how's it hangin'?
Dad, what are you wearing?
Oh yeah, the old man's "got it goin' on!"
See ya at sea.
Oh my goodness.
It is such an honor to meet you...
without digital censorship.
And who should I make this out to?
Mr. Ben Dover.
Oh you beast.
Hello.
Hi.
Nice ass, man.
How are ya?
Hey.
Good day, gents.
Damn, I'd tap that ass. It's so tight.
Hi.
Hey, Griff.
Griff, hey.
Jarod's has mentioned you.
Cool.
May I speak to you for a minute?
Sure thing.
Alone.
Be right back.
What's goin' on?
I thought it was going to be just you and me.
Is there a problem?
Summer's almost over, J.
Once we go off to college...
Wait.
Are you jealous?
Fuck off.
Everything okay?
Yeah.
Forget it.
Griff.
Rainbow Video, Andy speaking.
You are not gonna believe who is in my room right now.
Who?
Richard Hatch!
And I think he wants to fuck me.
I'm about to get anal from a million dollar bear!
Are you like... prepared?
Oh yeah.
I'm all set.
Gotta run, kid.
Boy Nico is about to become a man.
Better safe than sorry.
Woe.
Woof.
That's hot.
Daddy likes it.
I forgot my car keys.
Oh, no, no, no, no! I just...
What's this?
It's a plantain.
Okay, doll, love you, call you, drive safe!
Maybe this wasn't such a great idea.
Are you alright?
I'm fine.
Can you excuse me for one moment?
Mmmm, yeah.
How old are you?
Seventeen.
Sorry, kid.
WAY past your prime.
Hey Mr. DJ, gimme a BEAT!
Whoa!
Damn boy, you workin' that shit OUT!
Taught him everything he know, yo!
Bubble-butt, bubble-butt, bubble-butt, bubble-butt!
They're all gonna laugh at you!
- Rainbow Vid... - I'm about to explode!
Did you take the enema?
Yeah, three of them.
Oh my God!
Fuck this shit.
Hey, Andy. Who's calling?
Ahhh... it's a wrong number.
Oh my goodness.
Richard?
Your ass tastes so good.
Looks like Little Jarod likes it too.
Little... Jarod?
I've waited forever.
Dammit! I fuckin' suck!
It's okay.
I'll get him back up again.
I'm sorry, it's not you.
But...
Can we try another time?
Please... please, stop!
Just take me home?
Fine.
Jesus!
My eye!
Dad?
- Dad? - Yep?
Can I ask you a question?
Certainly, son.
How did you know when you were ready to have sex?
Oh.
Uh, well...
Unfortunately, my Uncle Earl made that decision FOR me.
But only you can make that decision, Andy.
Do you think you're ready?
Yeah.
I mean, a big part of me does.
But, I'm petrified from the neck up.
Sounds like you have your answer.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I think I should hold on to my cherry for awhile.
Good boy.
Um, ah... I have something to tell you.
Okay.
Daddy's a bi-sexshul.
And it's all because of you.
Gee, thanks, Dad.
No, what I mean is... you gave me the courage to be "me."
But, now Andy, I think you're not gonna love me anymore.
Dad...
Well, that's what I think.
I'm afraid.
Oh, Dad, Dad, Dad.
Hey, hey, hey.
You're still the same person.
I'm still...
You're still the same person...
Still the same?
And I will always love you.
Always?
- I will always... - You, alw...
- I will always... - Alw...
- I will always... - Al...
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU! Dad!
You will always love ME?
Oh, Andy.
I will always love you.
Now, stop.
I gotta go, kid.
I cannot believe I almost sucked my Dad's dick.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, kid.
Maybe you should've done him.
I cannot believe a Survivor Winner heard me take a dump.
Suck it up, Girls.
Looks like my Labor Day soirée is gonna be...
your last chance to snag a slice of the butt-pie.
Sex, sex, sex, that's all we're ever talking about!
What's so good about it anyway?
I've had much more luck with my right hand
and my left index finger.
I can't believe you wanna screw that sketchy go-go boy.
At least he's not a brain-dead jock.
Sorry we can't all be studs like you!
Guess what?
Tyler was the first guy I've ever been with.
I was so nervous I couldn't even get it up.
Now Beau wants me to top him at the party and I'm scared to death.
Some STUD, huh?
Well, aren't we getting testy?
Hey, hey, who told you guys this was gonna be easy?
Sex can be messy, kids.
Full of penis drippings, and ill-timed queafage...
and thirty-one flavors of genital cheese.
What the FUUUUUCK!
He heard me take a fart, Dawn.
Okay, fine.
You still don't get it, do you?
Even after all you've been through.
I was a stud long before I ever licked a pussy.
Oh, great, a bull dyke's gonna instruct us...
on the art of being men!
Damn right, bitch!
When you boys learn that having sex doesn't make you a man...
maybe you'll finally pull your pricks outta your poopshoots.
Crimony, kids.
I sure do hope you get some ass-play.
You're sure, right?
Yeah.
I want you to top me.
You guys are gonna BUTT-FUCK, aren't you?
Butt-fuckers!
Mini-Muff, get the fuck out of here!
C'mon, I wanna watch!
NOW, Mini!
Awww, man.
I may need this.
Dude, don't be a dick-burglar.
I'm glad you called me back, Papi.
You know, I likes you just the way you are.
Silver foxy...
You're Muffler's grandfather.
I've been accused of that.
And you are...?
Nico.
I'm Dawn's friend.
Enjoying yourself, Nico?
I'm startin' to feel pretty darn happy.
Is that so?
And where is your date this evening?
You're lookin' at one stag fag, Herr Muffler.
Can I trouble you for a highball?
I've had my fill of this swill.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to see some proper I.D.
You have any good tequila?
Anejo?
Mmmmhmmm.
Aged eighteen years...
Just the way Grandpa likes it.
What is it, Papi?
You're feelin' your boy, huh?
I'm sorry, Angel.
It's all good, kid. No sweat.
Use what you got.
And hurry.
- Wait! - Shit!
Griff?
- I need to talk. - I'm kinda busy, dude.
It's an emergency.
Can you hold that thought?
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
This better be fucking good, Griff.
I had to tell you before it was too late.
I love you, Jarod.
I'm in love with you.
For a long time.
I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
I just had to let you know.
We gonna fuck, or what?
Cause my balls are turning blue.
I'm sorry, Beau.
I didn't know...
I had a boyfriend.
Yeah... yeah... yeah.
And how Bette Davis didn't win the Oscar...
for All About Eve is one of the mortal sins of Hollywood!
If I told you you are worldly, polished,
and sophisticated, would you hold it against me?
My dear young boy, are you trying to seduce me?
I don't know.
Am I?
Fasten your seatbelt, sonny It's going to be a bumpy night.
So. where's Jarod?
He dumped me.
Where's Griff?
Papi kicked me to the curb, yo.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Okay!
Oh, yeah.
So. um... well.
Wow.
So where are you guys from?
Okay.
Awww!
OH!
Aaahhh!
Grandpa Muffler!
Oh Nico, heavens to Betsy!
Tap Grandpa's ass!
Oh, that's good.
Yo, you got room for one more?
Ho!
There's a special place inside me that you have FOUND!
My God help me!
Oh, "Queer as Folk", eat your fuckin' heart out!
Good morning.
Thank God.
What?
I wasn't dreaming.
Morning, Beau.
Angel.
And the moral of the story is...
real men take it up the ass!
And the best butt-love... is when you're really in love.
Don't look so blue.
We're gonna find husbands someday.
I know.
It's just that... summer's over.
We're not kids anymore.
I'm really gonna miss you guys.
What the fuck!
You KNOW we're doin' Spring Break...
in Ft. Lauderdale, bitch!
To the sequel.
To the sequel!
Would you like to dance?
I thought you'd never ask.
My lady.
Awwwww.
Hiya, kids.
Hi, Mrs. Hunter.
Muffler.
Oh... Mrs. Hunter.
Wow.
Okay, okay, we gotta know.
Muffler...
What's your secret?
Arghhhhrghhhhhh.